Having just walked 88 miles to raise money for women’s refuge, I was reminded that abusive relationships are not just physical and also it is not just women who suffer from emotional and narcissistic abuse. It is also not always in a ‘romantic’ relationship. It can be a friend or a family member; it can be your boss or colleague. The narcissist can take many forms and if you have had experience of a narcissistic personality, you will know they can be charming shape-shifters. So this post is dedicated to the narcissist, and warns you of what to look out for.
1 Narcissists adore being the centre of attention. We all like that to a certain degree, but they get really upset if the focus is not on them for whatever reason, good or bad. They don’t really like it if someone else has attention for a few minutes and can even be jealous of an illness. But here’s the weird thing- they will twist it round to make it seem as if it is YOU who crave excessive attention if you get any accolade award or praise. They try to make you sound unnaturally vain if you promote your work or achievements.
2 They have a sense of superiority, even if they have not really achieved much. Even if you praise them for their achievements, they will say you don’t. the odd thing: they often have a self-deprecating manner but this is fake – they are drawing attention to themselves by trying to appear average. Even if you try to elevate them when they ARE average, and celebrate them with your good nature, they will turn on you.
3 They will try to cut you off from your friends or family. Then you only have their opinions to judge things by. They make your family and friends seem as if they are weird, and invent scenarios where your loved ones have done something wrong so you may begin to believe them as you are isolated with no balanced view.
4 They have a lack of boundaries and can be inappropriate. It can be sexual advances or remarks or simply shouting at you or others. But it’s all right, as others will forgive them. If they think they won’t be forgiven, they will make excessive amends and they can be very convincing. So convincing, you thought you made a mistake about them. They get endless second chances.
5 They lack responsibility. For everything. But they ALWAYS twist their mistakes onto to their target. It is never their fault; only someone else.
6 They will deflect all their defects onto you. YOU are the narcissistic person. YOU lack empathy.
7 Yes, they lack ANY kind of empathy. But everyone else thinks they are kind. or a poor victim. This means they can be very dangerous. They can exploit anyone without guilt or shame, but they can ruin your reputation.
8 If you challenge them, they will try to destroy you. They are SO important that you should never ignore or leave them.
9 If they think they are not getting your attention, they will do something to try to win you round. They will buy you a gift, send you a birthday card; simply be nice to you. This can come after they have, for example, taken legal action against you, sent you ‘evil’ letters or texts, spied on you, harassed you or tried to damage your life in some other way. They think you will forget that. They wouldn’t normally send you any gifts, but, hey, you didn’t send them one so they send you one. They are nice and you are not. I can’t warn you enough: they will never, ever change. Do not give them a second chance.
10 They only way to deal with these people is to CUT THEM OFF. The moment you stone wall them is the moment you are free and they are forever trapped in their own private fear and misery. Because in the end the worst punishment they can get is to be left with themselves.
Virginia Betts 